extraordinary

i’ve been thinking that i’m a bit of a steamer…

i’ve moved through this life…eyes on the horizon…on to the next thing…pushing through…striving…

scanning and watching and grasping for a life well-filled.

confused in the thinking that the big, extraordinary…occasional…moments happened upon, are the testament to how well i’ve lived. the proof that i’ve lived. the feeling i’ve lived. the, “see what i did?”

but down and around me…in my pushing through…most of life is being dispersed and pushed right up and away from me. like the waters off the bow of my boat.

i don’t like that being. the pushing…and the grasping back at what’s been pushed…all at once…

this feeling of always coming up short…always discouraged…

but new to me, is the just being more…

the just being still more…

it wasn’t really a choosing-voluntarily, i’m ashamed. it was truthfully my self saying, “this just can’t be anymore…isn’t really being at all, really.”

some things needed to change.

so i’ve started…i’ve stilled…

or am trying to.

and while i practice at it, the gooslings settle down at my feet, preen themselves and fall asleep…

and the purring, black kitty slinks up into my lap and kneads…

and the children come in ones and twos, eager to share and to ask and to listen…

and the tiniest blooms seemingly spring up right next to me…ones i’ve never before seen. or remember seeing. or (most likely) just missed while scanning up and steaming straight away…

i’ve strived right on past, i think.

i’ve constantly moved in the hopeful direction of the something (occasionally) extraordinary…

but the occasional’s always led me to grow weary. feeling spent and worn out. the strived and exhausted stamping out most of the extraordinary in it. and then the inevitable feeling compelled to be up and off…to search out and try again. again and again…

this just being more…this more still…simple and slow…is much more benevolent to me. it just seemingly hands me all this extraordinary just in my every day. all this unexpected pouring in and filling right up…instead of rushing and pushing right out. there’s so much extraordinary…so much living…so much being…in the ordinary of the simple along-the-way.

unexpected…undeserved…never strived for or achieved on my own. extraordinary full-being in just my simplest, ordinariest of days.

that’s something so new and unexpected…

i feel full…without all of the having tried to…

i’m being!

extraordinary.