cast of characters:
jason (“j.”, “j.j.”, “honey”) – the leader of the tribe; faithful, manly provider of things
darcie (“darc”) – his wife of 20 years; slightly older, much less wiser washer of the things
alexander (“alex”, “i’ya”) – his 19-year-old firstborn son; guitar player, dance party organizer and (overall) older brother extraordinaire
emma (“em”, “emmie”) – his 15-year-old daughter; expert knitter, crocheter and…God bless her…diaper changer
hannah (“hannah-girl”) – his 12-year-old daughter; lover of art, science, flora and fauna
claire (“clairie”, “clairie belle”) – his 10-year-old daughter; bookworm, cartoonist and bosom buddy to bits
elisabeth (“bits”, “bitsy”) – his 8-year-old daughter; infectious giggler, polly pocket lover and bosom buddy to claire
john (“jack”, “bubba”) – his 6-year-old son; tenderhearted back rubber and ear-bender
william (“will”, “wee’um”) – his 4-year-old son; spectacle wearer, lisp bearer and consistent provider of comic relief
eian (“baby”, “eian b’eian”) – his 7½-month-old son; smiley, squishy and utterly chubbalicious
a 1950’s ranch-style home in the suburbs of p-town.
(the dining room. the children sit at the dining room table diligently working on their studies. sunlight streams through the sliding glass door, bathing them in soft white light and creating a halo effect around each of their bowed heads. the baby sits on a blanket on the floor entertaining himself with an assortment of sensory-stimulating toys. we hear the buzzer of the drier sound from the adjoining laundry room. darcie enters stage right. she’s wearing a yellow and white check cotton dress, kitten heels and a ruffled apron tied snugly with a smart bow. she passes through the kitchen as she makes her way to the laundry room, stopping momentarily to lift the lid of the crock pot and check on her pot roast. jason enters from the garage stage left.)
jason: [stops abruptly and glances around in confusion; then with a smirk] okay…ha ha…very funny. now, who are you people and what have you done with my real life?