Tag Archives | pondering me

dear honey,

doesn’t it seem to be happening more and more often?  this…you and me…always having to fight back the tears?

when we both had to finally…actually once and for all…step out of my monday’s reason and into that day…both having to tell the other to “stop it!”…to stop making the other have to fight back the tears!

and i know that we tease that it just must be our age…

but i know that we know that it’s truly just a marveling and a wondering…a truly just grasping more and more His immeasurable grace!

and it just seems like it just keeps getting more and more obvious…we keep seeing and talking about and coming back to this same topic more and more…and more…these days!

and it just always seems to make us have more and more…and more…of those tears!

this grace dumped out all over us all our whole lives…but especially…most significantly…over these past 22 years…

His loving us so much that He would want for us to know the joy of truly loving somebody…some body else


the way that He loves us!

at times, you and i have been just so…ugly…

this marriage (at times) just so hard

but it has always only ever been what we’ve chosen it to be!

learning this hard truth that “happy” doesn’t come…you for me

but me for you!

and not when i’m loving you only in the measure that you love me…or even loving you the way i would want to be loved!

but loving you the way that He loves me!

Him loving me first before i ever loved Him!  me for you…first!

loving you when you love me like you did that morning…but loving you even more when you’re bein’ your most un-lovely!  when you’re even bein’ a jerk!

‘cause that’s the way that He loves me!

and how grateful i am that He doesn’t love me only when i am deserving!  only when i love Him the way He deserves to be loved!

with the whole and every single part of me!

but even when i am being the most truly me…the unloveliestthe most ugliest me i’ve ever been seen!

and it’s through learning to love one another at our most ugly that we truly learn to love the way that He does!

when i can look at you and love you…no matter what…i’m loving you the way you deserve to be loved!

the way that will truly make me most happy!

and truly

why would i expect from you any more than i’ve expected from me?  and haven’t i always been…at one time or another…just as guilty of any ol’ reason that i’ve ever been fed up with you?

aren’t i just as guilty as you’ve ever been?

and when He looks at me…doesn’t He see His Son?

and when i look at you…shouldn’t i want to too?  shouldn’t i want to love on you as if i were loving right on Him?!?

and why has this always been so hard?  why has this taken so long to learn?  why this still failing at it so much of the time?

why is it we can still be just as unlovely…just as ugly…as we ever have been?

and how is it…that despite all of that…there’s this lovely revelation that we love each other even more and more…ever deeper and deeper

so much so that it just brings on those tears?


that just must be the grace…that’s just got to be His grace made most perfect when we are most perfectly, utterly at our most weak…

His taking all of our failed attempts…our ugliest parts of our marriage…and using them to actually make this marriage one of His best things!

this wrestling and tugging and pulling against has only served to knit our hearts most together as these years have passed on…

this “flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone”

this utter oneness

this knowing that it’s only by His grace…His being lavish with us!

and you wanna know what? 

i would much rather have wrestled and tugged and pushed my way through this past 22 years with you…than just walk right on through them with any some body else!

‘cause i just don’t think that marriage like this just happens…this joy that brings tears…without this having to truly work at loving on somebody else…like only He does!

very sincerely,
your me

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trust and obey

this morning, everyone else went on to fellowshipexcept for that littlest little man and me

he’s been struggling so much as of late…trying to decide whether or not he can truly trust his daddy and me…

to trust that our will for him is good…is best

and all he need do is obey

so there’s been lots of hot, angry tears…and lots of “no!” screamed from him…

and lots of (sometimes) weary-and-tired-of-sticking-to-it discipline from his daddy and me…

poor little man

and this sweet little song from my sunday school days keeps coming back to me…

a little song sung so often when i was his age

trust and obey…for there’s no other way…
to be happy in Jesus…but to trust and obey.”

how essential that is!  for himand for me!

this lesson never entirely learned!

this same lesson that He is so oftenand faithfully…working out in me…and disciplining me through!

that He can be trusted!  that His will is goodand best!

that all i need do…is to just let go

to just abide

to just surrender my will to His

to simply trust and obey


– our dear “teacher dorothy”…who taught so many wonderful hidden-way-down-deep-in-my-heart songs to me!  (circa 1979)

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my need of Him

i can’t be certain when it started creeping up on me…

i only know…that before i really knew it…being sad was an oftentimes overwhelming every day thing…

like these sometimes sneaky-wet, grey northwest skies in the spring…

the sun would here-and-there shine through unexpectedly…but before i’d have a chance to truly settle into it…more storm clouds would sneak right up on top of me…

and it left me faking…and hidingand always so weary

‘til finally…one morning-too-many i stood weeping in my shower…

and i just cried out to Him, “i’m just so tired of this!”

and He whispered back…just as He’s done two times before“go find aletha.”

and then He brought her visiting our fellowship…the very next sunday…and i found her just standing there…

as if waiting for me

and right there in the aisle, i just wept and choked out, “could we please meet?”

and on her sofa days later, i just begged, “please…just tell me.  is this just more of being 40…just hormones…just what they call “midlife”?  or am i just throwing some fit?  am i simply sinning?

and she was so dear to just listen to me…

and talk with me…

and ask…me…if we could “do this again” the following week…

and not just that next…but for weeks and weeks now…she’s poured herself into me…

and she’s prayed for me…

and she’s showed me where the hormones are raging…

and where the lies have been allowed to take hold…

and where i worry and fear and hold on to offenses…

and she’s laid her hands on my shoulders and showed me my sins

and then gently turned me back ‘round towards Him

and i marvel at His goodness towards me…

He heard my cry and He answered me!

and i owe her so muchand Him everything!

and as i’ve wrestled with this “being sad”…i’ve found myself asking

would i love Youif i didn’t need of You?”

and as the sun peaks through more…and lingers longer

and as the clouds loom less and less…

i’m confident that it’s the always-in-need-of-Him…and His never-exhaustible grace towards me…that plunges me ever deeper and deeper in love!

and how blessed i am!  for it’s my being sad…or my aching head…or my failings as his wife and their mama…or any number of reasons for my need of Him…that’s been the means of His never-exhaustible…simply unfathomable…grace towards me!

and in…that…i’m finding more and more every day…my every reasonfor being glad

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even when…

our bible time’s left me pondering…

the “even when…”

even when He knew that one was about to betray Him

He still got down on His knees and washed his feet

not just the eleven…but every one of the twelve of them


even when

so thenwhy not me?


even when

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dear littles,

in honor of his birthday…we spent some time getting to know that great man a bit more today…

that one ordinary man…that did extraordinary things with his one life


and we listened…

the…“four score and seven years ago…”

and we pondered…

the…what if?

what if we each stood up for one good thing?

what if we each dedicated our lives to pushing right through…no matter what…‘till that one good thing was for sure?

what kind of place would this world be then?

what then?

and then i remembered his…“all that i am…or hope to be…i owe to my angel mother.”

and i wondered…what part did she play in his becoming that great man?

and i had to ask…me

what part am i playing?  am i playing it well?

for when the all-too-soon someday comesand you aren’t these littles any longer?



right now

my partis my one good thing

very sincerely,
me (your wanting-to-be-more-for-each-of-you mama)

me and my very first little

colleen cahill’s image of me and my very first little (october, 1995)

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dear daddy,

thanks for taking me on a date last week…we haven’t done that in a too-long time!

i’m so glad we share a love of history…His story!

that movie about that great man left me thinking…and thinking

about ordinary people…doing extraordinary things…

about the red and yellow, black and white…

about how He created…everyone

and then today…on his birthday…the kids and i gathered ‘round and listened to dr. king speak…

about his dream for our nation…and his children

about his four precious little people…him wanting the same for them that every daddy wants for theirs…

him standing there proclaiming itwithin the shadow of that same great man

and i just cried…because it truly is so very heavy…just to think

that as he stood there “5 score years” later…when you were seventeen years old…this country was still such a horribly confused place…

that 2 score and 10 years later…and still

that these two men lived their lives…and lost themall for the sake of freedom!

i’m just so grateful for you…that you introduced me to the One who created…everything


so very grateful that He is creative…all of the colors of all of our skins displaying that!

so exceedingly grateful that He lived His life…and laid it downall for the sake of our freedom!

what an awesome responsibility you had…what an awesome responsibility we have

to introduce our littles to Him…

to introduce them to so many, many ordinary people…throughout all of time…all of His story…who did unbelievably extraordinary things…

what an awesome responsibilityto spur them on to do the same

very sincerely,

– daddy reading to we three (circa 1975)

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dear honey,

so this morning dawned…the sixth one…with this pain in my head still persisting…

this same pain that for years now…off and on…still persists…

and outside our door, this day still needed starting…little people milled about still jammied…lessons still needed to be taught…chores still needed to be crossed off…and that pathetic little tree still stood all trimmed in the front room…

and i still laid in our bed, curled up on my side…listening to this life going on on the other side of that door…

feeling pressed to step out into it…but not daring to move…

my fist pressed hard instead against that one ornery spot on my head…

and then you came in…and knelt right down next to me…and rested your forehead on mine…and asked, “what can i do for you?”


like you always do

and i ungraciously suggested that maybe just removing this tired old head right at my neck might just be the easiest thing to do…for everyone

but you just grinned, “how would i survive without you?”…and sat right down on our bed…and started running your fingers through my all-tangled-up-and-utterly-unwashed hair…and asked if you could read me something…

“will it make me cry?” i wondered…

and with another grin, you plunged right in…and splashed His Word right all over me…

“therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us…” 


“count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing…”

“but this isn’t suffering!” i objected, “other people are suffering through much worse than this!”

this is just more of me being a burden…more of “when did mama last have her meds?”…and “keep playing quiet while mama still rests”…and “no, not today…that will have to wait…on account of mama’s poor head”…

but you still stroking, blinked back your tears…and caught mine with your thumb as they leaked from my eye and streamed off the edge of my nose…

and reminded me…encouraged me…that this suffering…chosen differently for everyone…isn’t just for me…

but for me…and for you…and for all of our kids…

and is meant

and is purposed

to make us less like thisand more like Him

so i eventually rolled out of our bed…and i swallowed more meds…and i prayed, “please will that they work”…and i encouraged the one to stop throwing his fit…and i sent that other to go make straight his bed…and i showed her the difference between $.04 and $.40…

and when you came to love on me…again…i thanked you for being always too good to me…

and you just knit your brow with a “pfft!”…the “stop being so silly”…

but i am so very thankful for you…for you helping me right my compass this morning…

thankful for this pain…this for me suffering…

and how i want so badly for it to work His good…for it not to be wasted…for it to do what is meant

how wonderful the thought…that He would mean for me…that He would want for me…

anything at all, really!


that He would want for us…that He would love for us…


it’s really just too absolutely…utterlyamazing

and i do…

i do so want for meand for us

to be ever more and morejust like Him!

very sincerely,

– romans 5:1-5 and james 1:2-4

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Jesus will come

that’s what the readerboard said at the beginning of this advent season…

the one in front of the little church down the street…where we met and mourned our little gramma before they laid her to rest these five years ago…

and i just sighed relieved…so thankful to be reminded at just that moment…

Jesus will come!

and not like He did before…

when His suffering and oppressed people…having clung to the promise that He would come…that He would deliver…waited and hoped…and fixed their eyes on the heavens…so sure of a triumphant entry of a warrior to save!

but His plan was infinitely more wonderful…His plan was unimaginable

into a dark and cold and uninviting world…He came most ordinarily…He came just like us!

them fixing their eyes on the heavens…Him crawling right by under their noses!

Him walking this earth among us…

living this life the way we should live itdying the death that we should die

2000 years later and this world is no less broken…still so filled to overflowing with suffering…

that herod storming in just days ago and stealing all those precious babies away from their mamas

this world so aches…our hearts so ache

but Jesus will come!

and we can set our eyes on the heavens…we know how He will come!

we’ve been assured…

for the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God.  and the dead in Christ will rise first.  then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.”

He who testifies to these things says, surely I am coming soon.'”

so during this advent season…we’ve remembered their waiting…

and we wait…

and in His always perfect timingJesus will come!

1 thessalonians 4:16-17 and revelation 22:20

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