dear wee little one,
it’s really quite odd when you stop to think on it…
how this life is just truly a collection of moments…
like pearls on a string…all strung one next to another…
all the same size…all the same “length”…
and yet…
how odd that some pass just so…unnoticed…
and others stand out as what…must’ve…could only have…been a whole day…
one moment i’m sitting with your daddy…just waiting with others all in one room…the moments just ticking by…
and then in another i’m lying in a room dimly lit and all quiet…your daddy’s hand resting on and giving my foot a squeeze now and then…with a friendly technician sitting next to me…her magic wand poised just inches away from my middle…
and then in the next…she simply flips on a switch…
and rests the wand down on me…
and there in that moment…i look up at a screen…wanting…so badly…to see nothing but you…
and in that very moment…see only your absence…
just me…
empty…
no little you…
and then…all of a sudden…the moments seem to be racing by in a hurry…
and she’s saying something kind…and even placing a gentle touch on my knee…
and i’m pushing back the tears with the only smile i can muster…
and then somehow…in the very next moment…your daddy is ushering me out…into the sun…and the heat…
and…in what was truly only a handful of moments…i’m somehow right back in my seat in the lot…
and wondering how that could possibly be…
just some of the most fleeting…and stretching-on-forever…moments i’ve ever had in the whole of my strung-up moments put all together…
in the whole of my life…
just that one particular handful…on this all-of-a-sudden particular spot on my string…
and the whole of my life as i knew it…is all-of-a-sudden…
just…
changed…
and then…there was the post office to swing by just for a moment on our way home…and hungry tummies when the moments had crept up towards 5:00…and potty breaks, and teeth-brushing and just-one-last drink in the moments right before bed…
and just life…
life…and its moments…just keep ticking on by…
and how very odd that is…that life just seems to go on…
some of its moments so insignificant…so un-noteworthy…
and some so…utterly…seared into my brain…
like the moment i pushed my way through that heavy darkroom door to find your daddy standing right there in front of me…
the moment i turned around to find him down on one knee…
the moment he kissed me right there at the altar for (what seemed like) all of the whole world to see…
the moment that each of your brothers and sisters were handed to me…
the moment i saw that plus sign on that test…its saying “yes!”…you were meant to be…
and that moment i looked up to find you…and saw you were already gone…
that is a moment i will never forget…
never…
no matter how many moments i’m still given…
no matter how many more are left still on my string…
that is one i’ll remember…for as long as i’m living…
you…i’ll remember…my 9th little someone…
you…i’ll so long and look forward to seeing…when i finally reach the tail end of my string…
very sincerely,
me (your missing-you-so-terribly-already mama)