dear honey,
so this morning dawned…the sixth one…with this pain in my head still persisting…
this same pain that for years now…off and on…still persists…
and outside our door, this day still needed starting…little people milled about still jammied…lessons still needed to be taught…chores still needed to be crossed off…and that pathetic little tree still stood all trimmed in the front room…
and i still laid in our bed, curled up on my side…listening to this life going on on the other side of that door…
feeling pressed to step out into it…but not daring to move…
my fist pressed hard instead against that one ornery spot on my head…
and then you came in…and knelt right down next to me…and rested your forehead on mine…and asked, “what can i do for you?”
again…
like you always do…
and i ungraciously suggested that maybe just removing this tired old head right at my neck might just be the easiest thing to do…for everyone…
but you just grinned, “how would i survive without you?”…and sat right down on our bed…and started running your fingers through my all-tangled-up-and-utterly-unwashed hair…and asked if you could read me something…
“will it make me cry?” i wondered…
and with another grin, you plunged right in…and splashed His Word right all over me…
“therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us…”
and…
“count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing…”
“but this isn’t suffering!” i objected, “other people are suffering through much worse than this!”
this is just more of me being a burden…more of “when did mama last have her meds?”…and “keep playing quiet while mama still rests”…and “no, not today…that will have to wait…on account of mama’s poor head”…
but you still stroking, blinked back your tears…and caught mine with your thumb as they leaked from my eye and streamed off the edge of my nose…
and reminded me…encouraged me…that this suffering…chosen differently for everyone…isn’t just for me…
but for me…and for you…and for all of our kids…
and is meant…
and is purposed…
to make us less like this…and more like Him…
so i eventually rolled out of our bed…and i swallowed more meds…and i prayed, “please will that they work”…and i encouraged the one to stop throwing his fit…and i sent that other to go make straight his bed…and i showed her the difference between $.04 and $.40…
and when you came to love on me…again…i thanked you for being always too good to me…
and you just knit your brow with a “pfft!”…the “stop being so silly”…
but i am so very thankful for you…for you helping me right my compass this morning…
thankful for this pain…this for me suffering…
and how i want so badly for it to work His good…for it not to be wasted…for it to do what is meant…
how wonderful the thought…that He would mean for me…that He would want for me…
anything at all, really!
me!
that He would want for us…that He would love for us…
anything…
it’s really just too absolutely…utterly…amazing…
and i do…
i do so want for me…and for us…
to be ever more and more…just like Him!
very sincerely,
me
– romans 5:1-5 and james 1:2-4
