#16
Archive | July, 2013
:: while everyone else was out gathered at the campout today…eian and i both fell asleep…
and when we woke up…and still all groggy…we went out and snuggled in his daddy’s “special” chair…under gramma’s tree…
and i gave him the cinnamon and sugar donut that his daddy had brought to tempt me…and watched over the top of his little tow head as he munched and munched…and sprinkled sugar all over him and blankie and me…
and i took lots of deep breaths each time the cool breeze swept past…and cried a little…and kissed the top of his head a lot…
and i told him, “i love you”…and he said he “loves me” too…
and as he munched…i thought…back over this whole blurry past six days…
and as the breeze picked up again…one particular moment that blurry last tuesday came into focus for me…
the one when my honey and i were sitting out under her tree at the end of that day…just unraveling…and piecing together…and making sense of it all…
and while we sat…a wispy little wish…from i’m not sure where…came floating right on by in front of us…
and i watched it continue to drift past slowly…and then start to lift up…
and i kept my eyes on it as long as i could…as it drifted higher and higher up into the sky…and then, finally, altogether up and out of my sight…
and more tears blurred my eyes…that moment that tuesday…and again today remembering…
and i just hugged my eian even tighter…and kissed him again…
so thankful for that sweet wee little memory…and now for this new one with him…
on this day in…
~ 2007 ~
“count your blessings, name them one by one…by one…by one…”
:: my honey thought it’d be good for us to get out of this house for a bit…to maybe even go grab us a bite to eat…
maybe even where other people might be…
and when i cleaned myself up…as best as i could…and got myself dressed…
i checked my reflection in the mirror one last time…and realized…
that to everyone else out there in the world…i’ll still “look” pregnant…
and that just didn’t seem right…
even dishonest somehow…
so i said to my honey, “i guess it just has to be okay if people look at me and think that i’m pregnant…”
and he just got soft on me and assured me that…yes…“that’d be just fine”…
and then i wondered out loud as i adjusted my skirt and my shirt around my middle…again…“and if someone asks when i’m due…i guess i’ll just say february…”
and he just smiled at me with that one particular smile…and an “that’d be fine too”…
and i just truly don’t know what else i could do…
:: my girl has been so faithful to keep up with the laundries (and so many other such things)…and i asked her if today she would please “share” some with me…
and who ever knew…how very therapeutic folding your way through a basket of underwears could be!
dear wee little one,
it’s really quite odd when you stop to think on it…
how this life is just truly a collection of moments…
like pearls on a string…all strung one next to another…
all the same size…all the same “length”…
and yet…
how odd that some pass just so…unnoticed…
and others stand out as what…must’ve…could only have…been a whole day…
one moment i’m sitting with your daddy…just waiting with others all in one room…the moments just ticking by…
and then in another i’m lying in a room dimly lit and all quiet…your daddy’s hand resting on and giving my foot a squeeze now and then…with a friendly technician sitting next to me…her magic wand poised just inches away from my middle…
and then in the next…she simply flips on a switch…
and rests the wand down on me…
and there in that moment…i look up at a screen…wanting…so badly…to see nothing but you…
and in that very moment…see only your absence…
just me…
empty…
no little you…
and then…all of a sudden…the moments seem to be racing by in a hurry…
and she’s saying something kind…and even placing a gentle touch on my knee…
and i’m pushing back the tears with the only smile i can muster…
and then somehow…in the very next moment…your daddy is ushering me out…into the sun…and the heat…
and…in what was truly only a handful of moments…i’m somehow right back in my seat in the lot…
and wondering how that could possibly be…
just some of the most fleeting…and stretching-on-forever…moments i’ve ever had in the whole of my strung-up moments put all together…
in the whole of my life…
just that one particular handful…on this all-of-a-sudden particular spot on my string…
and the whole of my life as i knew it…is all-of-a-sudden…
just…
changed…
and then…there was the post office to swing by just for a moment on our way home…and hungry tummies when the moments had crept up towards 5:00…and potty breaks, and teeth-brushing and just-one-last drink in the moments right before bed…
and just life…
life…and its moments…just keep ticking on by…
and how very odd that is…that life just seems to go on…
some of its moments so insignificant…so un-noteworthy…
and some so…utterly…seared into my brain…
like the moment i pushed my way through that heavy darkroom door to find your daddy standing right there in front of me…
the moment i turned around to find him down on one knee…
the moment he kissed me right there at the altar for (what seemed like) all of the whole world to see…
the moment that each of your brothers and sisters were handed to me…
the moment i saw that plus sign on that test…its saying “yes!”…you were meant to be…
and that moment i looked up to find you…and saw you were already gone…
that is a moment i will never forget…
never…
no matter how many moments i’m still given…
no matter how many more are left still on my string…
that is one i’ll remember…for as long as i’m living…
you…i’ll remember…my 9th little someone…
you…i’ll so long and look forward to seeing…when i finally reach the tail end of my string…
very sincerely,
me (your missing-you-so-terribly-already mama)
:: i’m so grateful this morning…for His mercies anew…
for so many loving on us…being His eyes and His ears…His hands and His feet…
for already…even through it…finding myself smiling…
and for the outlet He’s given…in joy…and in sorrow…that comes when i’m writing…
He gives every good thing…and sometimes He chooses to take them away…
blessed be the name of the Lord!
:: the first thing my eyes fluttered open and focused upon…was the sunflower in the bouquet resting at the foot of our bed…
and the first thing my mind fluttered open and focused upon…was the realization that yesterday wasn’t a dream…
#15
that same naked baby…just exploding through the doorway of our room…
and just exclaiming at the mere sight of me…an “i’m just so surprised and excited to find you in here!”…“mama!”
:: my honey brought me pork noodle soup tonight…‘cause it just sounded too good…
and when i cracked open my cookie…my fortune read…
“you have a charming way with words and should write a book.”
and i showed it to him…and he smiled…and said something about “telling me so”…and something (or other) about God and His “providence”…
and then i cracked open his…‘cause it’s tradition that i always eat both…and it read…
“you have a charming way with words and should write a book.”
and i showed it to him…and he just laughed…
and how i did too!