i can’t be certain when it started creeping up on me…
i only know…that before i really knew it…being sad was an oftentimes overwhelming every day thing…
like these sometimes sneaky-wet, grey northwest skies in the spring…
the sun would here-and-there shine through unexpectedly…but before i’d have a chance to truly settle into it…more storm clouds would sneak right up on top of me…
and it left me faking…and hiding…and always so weary…
‘til finally…one morning-too-many i stood weeping in my shower…
and i just cried out to Him, “i’m just so tired of this!”
and He whispered back…just as He’s done two times before…“go find aletha.”
and then He brought her visiting our fellowship…the very next sunday…and i found her just standing there…
as if waiting for me…
and right there in the aisle, i just wept and choked out, “could we please meet?”
and on her sofa days later, i just begged, “please…just tell me. is this just more of being 40…just hormones…just what they call “midlife”? or am i just throwing some fit? am i simply sinning?”
and she was so dear to just listen to me…
and talk with me…
and ask…me…if we could “do this again” the following week…
and not just that next…but for weeks and weeks now…she’s poured herself into me…
and she’s prayed for me…
and she’s showed me where the hormones are raging…
and where the lies have been allowed to take hold…
and where i worry and fear and hold on to offenses…
and she’s laid her hands on my shoulders and showed me my sins…
and then gently turned me back ‘round towards Him…
and i marvel at His goodness towards me…
He heard my cry and He answered me!
and i owe her so much…and Him everything!
and as i’ve wrestled with this “being sad”…i’ve found myself asking…
“would i love You…if i didn’t need of You?”
and as the sun peaks through more…and lingers longer…
and as the clouds loom less and less…
i’m confident that it’s the always-in-need-of-Him…and His never-exhaustible grace towards me…that plunges me ever deeper and deeper in love!
and how blessed i am! for it’s my being sad…or my aching head…or my failings as his wife and their mama…or any number of reasons for my need of Him…that’s been the means of His never-exhaustible…simply unfathomable…grace towards me!
and in…that…i’m finding more and more every day…my every reason…for being glad…
Darcie, I read this once. Tears blurring the print, I read it again, ever so much more slowly. I love your writing and look forward to each new blog post but so surprised to see “our” story there. Sweet friend, your transparency is one part of your character that makes you delightful to all of us who know you. Your obedience humbles us and woos us to join you at the feet of the Savior. God is requiring significant changes in your thinking to conform you more and more to His likeness.You are amazing; you are diligent and open and pliable in His hands and ever so willing to dig and dig and do the work! It is my joy and delight to be allowed to observe and share in the process. Your post encourages me to press in to Jesus, as you always do. I will treasure this for always. See you tonight! Gratefully, Aletha. Soli Deo Gloria!!!
after reading your comment, i went back and reread my post. for the first time…not journaling, or processing, or proofreading…just to read it through. and the weight of His love for me…and the full-on picture of what He’s done…through you…brought tears for me too! your comment…so you!…is encouraging…and affirming…and as usual…deflects all praise off of you and onto others…and Him! you’ve seen this serving me as a “joy and delight”…and that’s why i love you! and that’s why He uses you! but i am where i am on my journey because you’ve been so gracious to walk right there alongside me! and that just makes me want to be ever more and more like Him…and you! you’re my friend…what a grateful girl i am!