dear wee little one,

i’ve just been thinking…and thinking…and thinking so much lately…

about how you…and each of your brothers and sisters…all came to be…

with just this all-of-a-sudden unmistakable nudge…

that sometimes your daddy felt…

and sometimes i did…

and…with that little eian…your daddy and i both felt…through alex and emma and hannah all asking!

maybe just to be sure…that at 39…we wouldn’t doubt…

that we would still “know” Who it was that was doing the nudging…

but with you…it was me who unmistakably felt it…

and it came just as suddenly…just as so unexpectedly…

and it caused me to stop…and to whirl right straight ‘round…and to just shake my head!

and, oh, how i wrestled with it!

and i questioned it…

“but i’m 41!  and we were all done!  and we have more than our fair share…
these 8 already!”

and…“what would people say?”

and…“what would family say?”

but…all that while…

i just couldn’t escape the thought of you…

and then…i doubted it…

“but what if this wasn’t a “nudge” at all?  what if this was just “getting older”…just being selfish…just truly not wanting to move on from this season of my life?”

and so on…

and on…

but…truly…i just couldn’t shake the thought of you…

and finally…i just had to stop…and just ask…

what if it was? 

what if this was just more of being 40…or selfishness…or just wanting to slow-up time?

wouldn’t that still be His purpose…still be His using?  His means to bless us…with you?

and what of His purpose?  What of your purpose?

what if we said “no” for any or all of those reasons?

what of who you were to become someday?

if this was truly His nudging…truly His plan…and you were meant…

we would’ve said “no” to His always best gift!  His always best plan!

an alex…

or emma…

or hannah…

or claire…

or bits…

or jack…

or will…

or that little eian…

or you!

and that nudging was just so unmistakable…

that thought just so utterly unshakable…

that thought of you…

that overwhelming thought…

that if we had said “no, thank you”…just once…to any of those times that He nudged…

we would have missed out on so much…so many some ones!

every one such a gift!  every one with a purpose…

every…one…

and what will it be?

what purpose?

such an overwhelming thought…

and i’m just so beyond grateful…for His nudging nine times!

and for that inescapable…unshakeable…overwhelming thought…

of you!

very sincerely,
me (your amazed-at-the-thought-of-you mama)